I wrote this earlier today and got such a powerful response from my friend that I feel like you all should read it too. <3

I have to have surgery on my feet. Yep. That's the biggest thing going on right now in my life, I think. I have to do one foot at a time, so on May 28th I'm going to have surgery on my left foot. Because of this, I've missed almost half of the school year and I'll be done with my first year of high school before everyone else =/ I guess that's the best part of it? I dunno. And I'm also dealing with some other health issues, which, when they're all combined, isn't the best way to boost your self-esteem or anything like that.

Right now I'm attempting to finish up my math homework, which is hard because it's matrices and I really don't care about them and I'll never use them in real life. I need motivation, and that's really hard to get if you're dealing with everything else.

I just had my personal life totally invaded by my little sister last night when she decided that it's okay to read other people's journals. Now I'm terrified that she's going to tell my cousin Macayla what I wrote, and eventually it'll get back to people and they'll be like "oh my gosh, go to therapy." Is it really that bad to write down how you feel?? Now I'm even afraid to write when I'm exceptionally down or anything because I know that someone will read it.

I believe that the only thing that's really keeping me here is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're not a Christian. I'll pray for you. Honestly, though, I'm focusing on my relationship with Jesus because it's the only thing that's really keeping me happy with everything that's going on, and I'm so thankful to Him for giving me such amazing friends: Shelby, Lizz, Maddy, Katelyn, Marissa, and Slater. I love you guys so much and every day I thank God for putting you in my life.

Church has been amazing, I'm going every week and I think I'll start going both Saturday and Sunday just because. Unfortunately, my surgery is going to stop me from going to church for a while and it truly breaks my heart that I won't be able to see my friends on the weekends. I truly believe that God has a plan for me and that everything happens for a reason, so I know that this isn't because I deserve to be punished, even though that's totally true.

Right here, right now, I'm making a couple of commitments, and I want you guys to know this because it is so completely and utterly important to me. The first commitment is that I am completely and totally removing all cussing from my life. I know to some it's like, "why would you do that, who cares if you cuss" but the truth is that I know that every time one of those words comes out of my mouth, God is up in heaven and He is feeling like a knife is being thrust through His heart. I really hope you guys understand how much you mean to him and how much every little action that you take hurts Him if it's the wrong choice. I don't even cuss that much but sometimes I catch myself saying words like "crap" or "damn." The second is that I am going to give everything I have to God, and I know right now that I don't do that. God created me in His image. He made me what He wants me to be, and now it's my turn to become who He wants me to be, because most of the choices I make end up pushing me farther away from Him every single time. The third is that I am going to be the best I can be because the only way to bring people to truly believe in God is to act the way God wants me to act, and to think the way God wants me to think. I'm sorry if you think that I'm becoming something of a slave to God; the truth is, slavery doesn't include love for one's slaves, and one's slaves never truly love you. Honestly, I hate who I am right now, but I love what I should be; this is what I have to live my life for: to be the one that God made and wants to love. I am sorry if I'm sounding preachy or anything like that, but I feel that once you write it down and you truly, truly, truly mean it, that's when it really becomes a big part of your life.

My deepest wish right now is that for whoever reads this and hasn't felt God's amazing power and love in their life to find God and feel the same way I do. I hope you understand that I have every right, every reason, every power to feel hate, anger, frustration, disappointment, depression, and above all, fear in my life right now with everything I'm going through. The truth is, every time I think of God, my friends, my family, my music, and my church, I feel this... this unexplainable joy in my heart. I've said before that my dream is to become a famous singer/songwriter/musician/writer, but the truth is my even deeper dream is that all the people that I love will come to find this same joy and happiness in my life. I know that when all this is over and I am in heaven at God's right-hand side, all this pain and suffering will be so worth it to see His face. My "career" dream, as I will now refer to it, also includes this deeper dream, in that I hope to be able to show my love for Jesus Christ in my music and everything I do and everything I say. 

I hope that everyone who reads this realizes that I truly love them, not just because God tells us to love everyone, but because I truly love everything that God has created and will create, because I love God. I hope that you realize how much God has done for you. He created this entire universe, this planet which is sitting at an angle that is so crucial for human life, each civilization that is so different and yet so similar to all the others in its own, unique way, each country, each state, each county, each city, each family, just so that He could create you, so that He could love you unconditionally and irrevocably, so that He could cherish every single breath you take, so that He could tell you every chance He gets that He loves you so, so, so much.

I am committing myself to use my love of music, all the talents God has blessed me with, and my own life to glorify God no matter what happens, no matter what this world throws at me. Right now, even if I got cancer or I was told that I only had a couple of weeks to live, it wouldn't matter, because someone telling me that my life is at an end means that God is satisfied with what I have done with my life and He has decided to finally show me who my Creator is. When I am told that I have fulfilled my purpose here on Earth and it is time for me to leave, I will not be regretful of what I will miss, but I will be excited and even nervous to finally enter the Kingdom of God. 

I apologize for such a lengthy, preachy note. When I first sat down to write it, my intentions were to merely fill you in on what has been going on in my life, but after the first few paragraphs, God showed me how much I could use that pain and that disappointment that has been on my mind for so long for His uses, and I decided to let you all know how much He means to me and how much He has impacted my life. If you have even read this far, thank you so, so, so much for hearing what I have to say. This means so much to me that you have taken the time out of your busy lives to read what I want so much for you to hear. I love you for that and it means so much to me. Please feel free to comment or contact me.

God bless you all and I wish you the best: that you will come to know my awesome Lord if you already don't, and that you will know how much He and I both love you.